Coping with the Outside World

Coping with the Outside World

There are things I can't yet bear to think about. They cause me so much grief.
Life has started again. Marcel Proust

Few times in our lives are more overwhelming than the death of someone we love. At a time when we are least able to think, we need to make important decisions: everything from funeral arrangements to the financial details of the estate that require certified copies of the death certificate. As difficult as it is to accept, the outside world will continue to make demands on us despite our grief and inability to focus.

The following suggestions will help you cope with financial responsibilities and other demands of the outside world during this very difficult time:

1. Take care of yourself.

Basic activities of daily living go by the wayside when a loved one dies. Grief is physically demanding and produces profound fatigue. Your body’s stress response can weaken your immune system and make you susceptible to illness. Attempt to maintain some sort of routine by eating balanced meals on a regular schedule, (include your favorite comfort foods), attending to basic hygiene and getting enough sleep. Click Insomnia for ideas on how to get a better night's sleep. Use your back button to return here.

Try taking a short walk every day, but don't overdo the exercise because your body needs extra rest. Say NO when you are asked to help with a project or attend a party. Don't worry, you won't decline forever, but you do need to conserve your energy right now.

Continue taking prescribed medications. Multi-vitamins help boost your immune system. Excessive alcohol intake will not bring your loved one back, but it can prolong your suffering by suppressing your emotions, or complicating your situation even more. See your doctor if you are having troublesome symptoms of acute grief such as insomnia or abrupt mood changes.

2. Experience the emotions of grief.

Set aside the time to grieve because grief is your expression of love for the dear one who has died. Don’t hold back tears—cry if you want to without apology. The more you can let your emotions out and express them, the more you are doing the important work of grief. After the death of a loved one, we are always healing, never healed. The healing from grief is like a burn—slow healing does occur but we are never the same again. By experiencing the raw emotions of grief, the pain does become less intense, and less crippling, over time.

3. Focus on one day at a time.

Sometimes the idea of living the rest of our lives without our loved one overwhelms us, but the only moment we really have is right now. Try to focus on today and what you need to do to make it through only this one day. If this is too much, break the day into smaller parts, one morning at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Ask yourself: What do I need to do this very minute to take care of me?

4. Develop a support system for your grief.

You think you are doing OK and then out of nowhere, the dark clouds hover once more. Grief needs to talk, to cry and to remember. Decide which relatives and friends will truly listen to your grief. Develop a support system of people who will be there for you when you have the need to pour your heart out.

During this time of sorrow, you may not have the energy or desire to deal with new people or situations. It is not uncommon to wait six months to a year after the death of a loved one to seek professional help, but experience has taught us that there is much to be gained from support. At the very least, you can get information now for later use.

Local grief support groups are often listed in the newspaper. Whether you find support online, in the Yellow Pages under Hospice, through your employer, in a local hospital, or offered at your place of worship, there is comfort in talking and sharing grief experiences with others who mourn--when you are ready. For more information on the value of support groups, please refer to An Act of Courage.

5. Don’t compare your "progress" to others.

I believe we do a great disservice to ourselves when we compare our own grief to others who mourn. You may say, "Virginia's husband died just a few months ago and she is doing so well. Why can’t I pull myself together like that?" Every person’s grief is unique. You don’t know what Virginia is like at 3 AM.

It is not a true measure of anything to compare our insides to anyone's outsides. Appearances are just that. Berating ourselves for being human serves no useful purpose. Believe that you are doing the best you can at any given moment in your unique experience of grief. To read more, click The Trap of Comparisons.

6. Avoid making big money decisions.

The world is full of people who want to tell you what to do with your money, especially if they believe you have just received a life insurance benefit or inheritance check. Beware. Protect your money in a low-risk account such as a money market or savings account until you are able to make plans for your future.

Postpone any major decisions about money or investments for at least three to six months, although some financial advisers recommend waiting one year before making significant changes. Focus, instead, on the actions you must take soon such as applying for life insurance benefits, settling the estate, and assuming control of bank accounts, if it is your duty to do so.

Consider working with a financial planner but use caution here, too. Ask friends, family and professional people you trust to recommend someone. You don't want to give a stranger free reign over your money at a time when you are most vulnerable. Refer to the Reference Links for more information on locating a reputable financial expert.

I inherited half of my mother's retirement savings. I put it in a money market account. I didn’t realize that banks dislike significant sums of idle money. Banks want to use your money and any large deposit doing nothing but earning interest is a red flag for the bank to call you.

I began getting calls from Customer Service reps—strangers—who sounded too young to have worker permits. Wouldn’t I just love to invest my money? Every time a call came in, I would explain the money was inheritance from my mother’s death and no, I did not want to invest it right now. I added, "Please do not call again. Let me call you."

By law, the callers should have taken my name off the list because I asked them to, but they did not. Week after week I was barraged by invitations to invest my money. Finally I phoned Customer Complaints and demanded that my name be taken off the call list—and if it wasn’t, I was finding a bank willing to listen to me. I told the bank representative that the money was in the account because my mother was dead. I didn’t want a perky stranger telling me what to do with my inheritance. I wasn’t ready to do anything with it because I was grieving. The calls stopped.

Inheriting money because a loved one has died can produce complex emotions. Discussing profit from my dead mother's money felt obscene to me at the time. I feel differently now because I know my mother was proud of her life’s work as a librarian. My inheritance was her legacy of love and she wanted me to have some financial security. Please don't allow yourself to be pressured by financial people. Take your time making big money decisions.

It is wise to avoid making life-altering decisions of any kind, unless absolutely necessary, until the shock of grief has given way to the reality of permanent loss. Examples of big life decisions include: a major move, retirement, changing jobs, selling the house, or divorce. This is the worst time to make changes that can have far-reaching consequences. Once your life has stabilized (with scars) you will be relieved that you didn't make major decisions, or poor choices, during the emotional roller coaster of new grief.

7. Make an inventory of bills and other financial obligations.

As hard as it is to think about money after a loved one dies, this is the time to pay attention to details. Do you know when the next insurance premium is due? Is there a membership or registration that will lapse if you miss a payment? When are the utility bills due? You don't want to lose your electricity or heat through neglect.

Is there a will? Do you know where it is? Who is executor of the estate? Are you responsible for any outstanding debts of the estate? Can you retrieve the financial information and documents that you need? Begin to organize important documents and bills, but do so for short periods of time. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, set everything aside for a while and come back to it later--but do continue the effort in small steps.

8. Create a calendar to keep track of what needs to be done.
Note any key events during this time period.

The death of a loved one brings home how little control we really have over our lives. Major changes often produce panicky feelings. Panic is similar to the feeling of fear. It is a time of high anxiety as we worry about all the changes, perhaps getting the legal things done, having enough money to live on, or wondering if we can live on our own.

It is hard to focus on one thought or task if your mind is racing. You may be forgetful and disorganized and have feelings of losing your mind. You are not losing your mind. You are grieving.

Questioning your sanity is a normal part of grief and there are things you can do to help yourself. Give yourself permission to operate at fifty percent for a while. If your mind is racing, or you are running from one burdensome chore to another accomplishing nothing, the most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to slow down.

Please remember this: Not everything has to be done today. What can wait? Make a list of the tasks you must complete. Prioritize the list, putting a number one by the task that needs done first, then a number two by the next job, and so on.

At a time when even the simplest tasks create confusion, a calendar makes financial duties more manageable. You can get a feel for the big picture while attending to the smaller parts: What do I do next? When do I make a payment and for how much? At what time of the month do I receive income? Record any key events that repeat themselves, such as quarterly taxes due or the car needs routine maintenance, because this will help you remember those details in the coming months.

9. Ask for help.

Grieving is the hardest work that you will ever do, but the demands of the outside world are less burdensome when others lend a hand. The most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help. Is there someone in your close circle of family and friends, someone you trust, who would be willing to help you with banking, paying bills or doing household chores that drain you of all your energy? If so, please ask.

Managing money after the death of a loved one can be overwhelming, even repulsive, but it is vital to your welfare to attend to fiscal matters. Don't stuff the bills in a drawer or let them pile up on your desk. Financial chaos added to the anguish of grief produces devastating hardship.

Find someone you trust who will help you with the practical, yet time-consuming, issues over the next few months until you are thinking better. Give yourself the time to do grief's important work because it is essential to your health and healing.

All the suggestions listed here are easier said than done. They require enormous effort and can feel like grim burdens. You are grieving the death of someone precious to you. Please be kind to yourself as you travel this new and rocky road.