A young woman wrote
that her father was critically ill and due to complications, no longer recognized his daughter. This was especially painful
because Lisa was very close to her father. His chances for a full recovery were small. She was spending countless hours by
her father’s bedside in the intensive care unit. At first her friends were supportive but as time went on they became
more distant: They stopped calling her and did not return her calls.
Her
anguish and broken heart were compounded because the few friends who did communicate were telling her unsupportive things
such as, “Get on with your life,” or worse, “Get over it.” She wrote that she knew how to take care
of herself but her friends disappointed her. She felt abandoned. Lisa added, “So here I am, writing you, a complete
stranger,” and ended by thanking me for the page titled Fair Weather Friends. My response follows.
Dear Lisa,
First, thank you for your kind words about
the web site. I am so sorry for your father's serious ilness. Unfortunately, insensitive people exist. Probably the most loving
thing you can do for yourself right now is to let people know that you love your father and you have no intention
of "getting over it." Your father's decline is a life altering event for you. Sometimes the greatest gift we can
give ourselves is permission to be candid with others. True friends will be grateful that you have provided some direction
on what you need. Fair weather friends will disappear.
The
following links may comfort you:
Coping as you anticipate a
loss: http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-grief/dealing-with-loss/death-of-a-child/coping-as-you-anticipate-a-loss/ (Scroll about one-third the way down the page.)
I have a page about caring for the caregiver. You may not be taking care of your
father in your home, but you are in a stressful caring role just the same. http://www.thegrievingheart.info/caringforthecaregiver.html
I encourage you to join an online community of caregivers. You will
find that many people have had experience with fair weather friends during a loved one's extended illness. Post the E-mail
you sent me. I know you will get many supportive responses. http://www.strengthforcaring.com/community/index.html
Or, try a well moderated message board. There is a good discussion
right now about anticipatory grief and a loved one's extended illness. You need to register to use it but it is free. http://www.hovforum.ipbhost.com/
Finally, I have a friend named Marty Tousley. She is a certified bereavement
counselor. Your father still lives but you are grieving the profound loss of the relationship with your father as you knew
him. She may be of assistance to you. Give her a few days to answer, but I know she will respond to your heartfelt letter.
Her E-mail: TousleyM@aol.com
You
and I may be strangers, but we share a common humanity. My father was ill for three years before he died and I am reading
your E-mail on the anniversary of his dearth. There are no coincidences. I cannot know your personal experience, but I do
understand how deep a daughter's love for her father can be. I hope I helped you a little. Take care of you first so that
you are able to be there for your father. Believe in your heart that, at some level, your father knows how much you love him.
He is fortunate to have such a loving daughter.
Wishing you
comfort and peace,
Christine Jette
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