Dying is a wild night and a new road. Emily Dickinson


We are never prepared for the death of a person we love. Grief is the emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual pain we feel when a person close to us dies. It hurts to lose a loved one and grief is a normal, human reaction that must be expressed because of our love for that person.

This is a very difficult time for us. Sometimes the grief is more difficult because the death is sudden. It can feel complicated because of unresolved conflict, anger, or negative history with the person who has died. Grief can also be more complicated if we undergo several losses or changes within a short period of time.

The premature death of a young person causes indescribable pain. Even when the death of someone special is anticipated, the loss is still a shock to our whole being. It is common to feel overwhelmed and fragile, with thoughts and feelings that do not make sense.

Most of us are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of death and dying--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance--but grief does not follow such a tidy set of rules. Grief reactions can overlap, repeat and take varying lengths of time because grief is messy.

Scholars have studied the process of grief, but grief is not limited to a certain set of reactions. With grief, all ranges of human emotion are possible because grief is individual and no two people grieve the same way. Grief is painful, takes considerable amounts of time and drains us of our energy, but there is not a "correct" way to grieve!

Sometimes you'll read about grievers "recovering" from grief. This term is damaging because it implies that grief is an illness that must be cured. It also suggests a return to the way things were before the death. Grief is not an illness from which we recover. It is not one thing, but a process of feelings and physical conditions.

Grievers don't recover from grief, instead we reconcile ourselves to the loss. In other words, we learn to live with the loss and are forever changed by it. We cannot judge how much grief is enough grief because it takes as long as it takes to reach reconciliation. Or, as grief counselor Ashley Prend writes, We are always healing, never healed.

Grieving never completely ends, but with time, it will erupt less frequently. Even if we reconcile ourselves to the loss, we will have bursts of grief forever. It is important to remember that the process of grief leads to healing (with scars) while destructive grief causes even more suffering.


The following are some of the normal grief reactions we may, or may not, experience:

Early reactions: Initial shock, disbelief, denial, emotional numbness, guilt, and anger.

Acute grief: Memory loss, insomnia, extreme fatigue, abrupt mood changes, poor judgement, inability to concentrate, bouts of crying, headaches, stomach cramping, chest pain, difficulty breathing, panic, appetite changes with resultant weight loss or weight gain, lethargy, reduced work capacity, feelings of hearing or seeing the deceased. For another take on visitation, click Soulful Signs.

Leveling-off period: Sadness with nostalgia; more pleasant memories of the loved one; thinking of, and finding meaning in, the deceased person's life, rather than concentrating on the circumstances of the death; willingness to adapt to the change caused by the loss and make plans for the future without the loved one.

Note: If you are having symptoms, please consult a physician to rule out illness.

Go to next page: After the Shock